Can one be a New Yorker in Estonia and an Estonian in New York at the same time?
As a teenager, I would often ask myself, ‘Am I then an Estonian in New York or a New Yorker in Estonia?’ Though I have yet to find clear answers to similar questions, I have come to terms with the idea that they may lie somewhere in between. What is certain is that my journey has not only been geographic, but also emotional and rich with a quest for belonging. Having lived in four different countries and speaking (almost) four languages, I know that there isn’t a simple answer to the question “Where is home?” Though, one place is for certain, having given me the foundational sense of ‘home’, a base from which I roam the globe.
It quickly becomes clear that my life so far has been quite unique. I was the third child of two Estonian career diplomats, first born in the United States, then moved to Estonia at age one and a half, then relocated to Paris at age nine, then to New York at age thirteen, and finally to the Netherlands at age eighteen. I am now twenty-three and my current place of residence is Amsterdam.
Despite growing up in the same family, even my brothers and I have had vastly different experiences. Our five- and three-year age gaps meant that while my eldest brother was beginning to discover Parisian night life, I was practicing my cartwheels in circus gymnastics class. It also meant that when we moved to New York, he had graduated high school and was off to university in London on his own.
It is very likely that there is no other person in the world with the same geographic experience as me. While it may sound lonely, in this aspect I don’t feel entirely alone. There are many global nomads, including children of diplomats, who share a similar emotional experience. Although, not always.
Being what is called a ‘third culture kid’ who left Estonia after the second grade, I consider my greatest privilege in life to be the fact that, after being born in Washington DC, we moved to Estonia where I spent my early childhood. Being able to learn about the world in Estonia meant that for a long time, I thought that Estonian was the language of all people, Estonian culture was the culture of all people and the Estonian climate was the global climate. I thought all this until I was taught English. At quite a young age, I remember my brothers teaching me how to bark ‘stupid dogs’ at the neighbor’s pets who terrified me, and my parents expressing immense pride when I asked their American friend’s dog-ball-thrower ‘What is that?’ I had no idea what magic words I was speaking and why my ‘human language’ was not sufficient in those moments. Nobody really explained the self-evident notion that there are more languages in the world than just one. Looking back now, I must admit that that little girl could never have guessed that, for the past fourteen years, the majority of her life would be lived in English, that she would be in a relationship in English, that Estonian would be reserved for conversations with her family or trips to her homeland.
The connection between language and national identity has haunted me for a long time. At one point, I allowed myself to believe that I was actually a New Yorker, that my national identity was as grey and foggy as that of all the other lost souls of the big city whose sense of self had become synonymous with their wildly inhuman place of residence. This was until I started comparing myself to other ‘third culture kids’, like my friend whose mom was from Portugal and whose dad was from South Africa but who grew up in Hong Kong because of his dad’s job as a pilot. Ask him about his national identity… Ask him how important it even is…
With this I mean to illustrate what I consider my second main privilege in life: my reason for travel. My family’s relocation away from our homeland was not for financial nor adventurous reasons, but rather primarily for the sake of our country itself. As a diplomatic family, my parent’s dedication to our fatherland has taken us around the world, and representing Estonia has truly defined my entire life. I am abroad quite literally because I am Estonian.
Even on the 34th floor of a Manhattan skyscraper, Estonian channels played on our TV, Muhu black bread was always in our freezer, ‘kohuke’ in our fridge, Kalev brand candy on our table, and honey from southern Estonia in the peppermint tea that was grown in our country house.
While I have never doubted my status as an Estonian, the feeling of belonging (and often the lack thereof) is another idea that has haunted me throughout my life. Abroad, this has often meant that I had to set aside, or even give up, my ‘Estonian-ness’. As I mentioned earlier, I only felt I ‘belonged’ in NYC when I toyed with the idea of also being American in respect to the US understanding of national identity. This becomes even more complicated when talking about my experience in the Netherlands… Now my parents live in Dublin and thanks to affordable plane tickets, Ireland has also become dear to my heart…
As one can see, there are many places where I feel at home. Yet, there is only one where I feel like I belong – Estonia – and even that can be a struggle sometimes. Often, I feel like a constellation, made up of many of little dots that form a bigger picture, each with their unique value, some perhaps brighter than others, but never truly touching. To see me in my entirety is difficult; you’ll need a clear sky, a lot of patience and several plane tickets.
After fourteen years of education in English, I will be receiving my second master’s degree from the University of Amsterdam next spring. In my heart, I know that all the knowledge gained abroad will one day come back home with me. Though understanding what to bring and how to best use it for the benefit of Estonia is an ongoing process. Part of resolving such considerations has been a summer internship at the Estonian Ministry of Culture through the professional internship scholarship fund aimed at Estonian youth residing abroad (read more here).
Being in the Cultural Diversity Department, I focus on themes of adaptation, integration and migration in relation to Estonia. As I explained above, while the circumstances of migration may differ, the emotional experiences can be similar. As someone who has worked hard on integration for almost my entire life, it has been especially interesting to see the behind-the-scenes of state-funded programmes that seek to ensure success for those entering the Estonian cultural space.
While the aim of the internship fund is to integrate young people of Estonian origin into Estonian social life, my experience might differ a little from other participants. While for some scholarship recipients it may be their first time in Estonia, I have found a new breath and purpose in my hometown. Though I am studying in Amsterdam, I have been able to gain work experience in Estonia, creating professional networks and experiencing different aspects of Estonian public sector work firsthand.
Every step is a different size, but they all move towards the same destination: my return to my homeland.
Anna Jürgenson
Master’s student in the Netherlands, citizen of the world, Global Estonian internship programme participant 2025
